So i'm sitting here watching my hubby play his new PS3 game he got for his Bday (where he turned the big 3-0 !! ) and i'm thinking about lots of things. First i'm excited for our evening plans. We're going to VV Mall, and check out a few baby stores (i'm in need of some ...preggy pops?? lol), going to get some awesome Chinese Food, then later, before coming home, we're going to Brusters and get some of the best ice cream ever. Baskin Robbins, you have NOTHING on Brusters. Anyways...i've been surfing Blogland, and i realize that there are lots more people than i ever expected who have lost their babies. I just can't seem to get past this. I hurt so bad for myself, for her, for her, for that one, for this one. For all of them. I want to scream WWWWHHHHYYYY and demand i get an answer. I want to argue reasons to get the better hand so i can stop it from happening anymmore. I'm a good arguer (if that's a word...) ....trust me, just ask my husband. He says i'd argue with a brick wall. (only if i had a reason to! :) ) I just want all this sadness to stop.
I understand that God has a plan, that's why instead of pitching a hissy fit like i want to, i just let it ride, so to speak. I Pray that people will overcome these situations. I pray that i will overcome my situation. I pray that this pregnancy will go A-okay. I pray that all the women who are struggling to get pregnant after a loss would, and they would have success.
"An Angel from the book of life wrote down my babys name, and whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth' ".
This is so true. I just want to live my life right so that i can hold my beautiful son Rylee in my arms....for eternity.
Love each and everyone of you that deal with these feelings that i have. I really do.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sadness
So i'm talking to friends, and friends, and friends of friends....and it seems like all i hear about are women losing their precious babies. I am so saddened by this. I Wish all these people (including myself) could go back in time and change these events....of course if they wanted to. I know how i felt losing Rylee. And no one who hasn't lost one could ever begin to understand, no offense to those who haven't...FEEL BLESSED...but it's such a hurt on one's heart...that sometimes, i'll be honest....you don't feel like you're going to be able to take another breath, much less make it through it. I'm not going to say you will eventually get over it. Because you don't. Those events change you and they linger, no matter how early of a miscarriage, or if you go all the way and have a still birth, or even a loss after he/she is born. It's such an undescribable feeling. It just hurts my heart.
For those of you reading this, who have lost, i want you to know, that NO i can't make you feel any better about it than you can make me feel about my loss....But if anyone needs to talk about it, or wants to be each others shoulders...i'm here. I feel like it helps me deal hearing other peoples stories. I don't enjoy them, no. But sometimes, someone may say just the right thing to make it feel a little bit better at that moment. For those of you reading this, i love you, even if i don't know you, because you are part of God's plan, just like me, even if it doesn't always make sense.
***AND BABY DUST TO ANYONE WHO WANTS IT***
For those of you reading this, who have lost, i want you to know, that NO i can't make you feel any better about it than you can make me feel about my loss....But if anyone needs to talk about it, or wants to be each others shoulders...i'm here. I feel like it helps me deal hearing other peoples stories. I don't enjoy them, no. But sometimes, someone may say just the right thing to make it feel a little bit better at that moment. For those of you reading this, i love you, even if i don't know you, because you are part of God's plan, just like me, even if it doesn't always make sense.
***AND BABY DUST TO ANYONE WHO WANTS IT***
Rylee's Story
For the ones that need to know, or want to know...Here ya go. This is the wwwaaayyy too short journey of my lil angel, Rylee James Bussey. We lost him at 14wks4days on April 10th, 2010.
***ATTENTION:: IT IS DETAILED...IT IS GRAPHIC...AND IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL LIKE ME, YOU WILL PROBABLY CRY!****
Terry and I had been trying to get pregnant diligently for about 1 year, while not trying to prevent it for another 2 years. So finally after many negative pregnancy tests, and monitored periods i started using an ovulation kit. One Friday night i got down to my last ovulation stick, and after getting the unwanted answer I decided it was time to just let it take it's course, if it were ever to happen. Before I left the bathroom i decided to use my last pregnancy test just to rule that out, and as i waited for the results to pop up on that clear blue screen, i got a funny feeling. What if i was pregnant? I waited, thinking about the following two weeks when my husband and I were scheduled to go to fertility doctors for both of us, I dreaded that. I waited and waited...and the screen finally appeared... PREGNANT ....... wait..what?! where's the NOT in front of it that i'm so accustomed to seeing?! omg OMG . I'm pregnant! So there's the exciting start to my heart breaking story.
That was right at the end of January 2010. I had an OB visit and ultrasound at 7 weeks (2 weeks after i found out i was prego) and we got the blessing of seeing our baby's fluttering heartbeat AND got to hear it, along with 2 cute pictures :) . I had another ultrasound around 11 weeks and we got to see our wonderful baby in 4D!! So exciting! He was waving in one, and curled in a side view in another, stretched out in another, and laying flat on his belly in another. His heartbeat was amazing again. So breathtaking and shocking that my husband and i could make such a beautiful creation.
On the day of our 11 weeks ultrasound i started spotting about 2 hours before my appointment. When i went to the Dr, i told them and they were not concerned because the heartbeat was good, the baby was growing perfectly, and everything looked A okay. My doctor said many many women spot and it could be from exercise, intercourse, or other things. So i tried to accept that as much as i could, and went on. I still worried a little, but who wouldn't. I trust my doctors though, they are wonderful, so i settled down a little.
That was on a Thursday, and Saturday morning, i thought i had a miscarriage. I bled a lot, and passed a few large clots. I didn't know what to expect, so i called my husband (he had to work, which was soooo unusual for a Saturday) and he took me to our local ER. After waiting forever while sitting there in the lobby bleeding, they FINALLY took me back, just to wait longer. They started an IV (my first IV ever...) and said they were going to check my hormone levels, do an ultrasound to see if the baby was still there, and do an exam to see if my cervix was open. They did bloodwork, then did the exam. I was so shocked to see how they did the exam. They didn't have me in a bed with stirrups, so they put a bedpan upside down, covered it with a sheet and had me place my butt on it. It was so awkward and uncomfortable, why couldn't they just take me to another room?! But out of that awkward moment, i received good news. My cervix was closed. The Dr. said it would be almost impossible to miscarry and my cervix close back completely that quick, so they did an ultrasound directly afterwards. There was our beautiful baby, flipping and twisting and having a blast. Heartbeat was good, everything looked good, so they waited on my hormone levels, which turned out okay, and sent me home and told me to follow up with my Dr. Monday. Yay :) .
Monday morning I called my doctor and made and appointment for that afternoon. We went in and had another ultrasound (and got pics!!) and talked with the doctor. Our miracle was fine, but i was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa, which is where my placenta grew on the lower part of my uterus and covered my cervix. My doctor was very reassuring with this, saying that besides the bleeding there was really nothing to worry about this early in the game because as my uterus expanded, the previa would migrate up with my uterus. They said this condition was more of a later 2nd trimester, early 3rd trimester thing, and i should be just fine. They did put me on best rest and told me that any time i was bleeding, i would have to be on bed rest. Which was completely fine with me as long as it would keep our baby healthy. :) After about a week of bed rest, i went back to work.
I worked 1 week and that Friday morning i had another doctors appointment (Good Friday). Everything was fine that morning, no bleeding or anything. I had only been sick a little bit, and my doctor had told me to take a few over the counter vitamins to control it, which had been working. So i was really happy. The doctor did tell us no intercourse at this point until the previa moves, which sucked lol, but it would be completely worth the wait to hold our little one in our arms in about 6 months. That Friday evening we were spending time with my husbands family because his aunt, who was more like a grandmother to him, was dying of lung cancer. The doctor had given her less than 2 weeks, and at this point, the backbone of our extra large family couldn't even sit up on her own, wasn't eating or drinking, and we all knew it was a matter of days, not weeks. While sitting there i started bleeding really heavy, but i knew it was just the previa. I handled everything well, and knew to get off my feet, so i did. Saturday morning i called my doctor and he told me if i were still bleeding Monday he would pull me out of work as long as i needed until the bleeding stopped. I had a wonderful group of doctors, i was so appreciative. I wanted to keep my lil sweetie as healthy as i could :)
So i was out of work until Wednesday, and i thought i was going back that day, but i started bleeding again that morning (it had stopped Tuesday afternoon). I called the doctor and took care of work notes by fax. Everything was still okay. Until that afternoon. I started getting cramps. I was puzzled, because that was NOT a symptom of my previa. That night i was up and down, getting only a few hours of sleep. Thursday night they were worse, being every three minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. Sure in the world didn't sound like cramps to me, it sounded like contractions! So i called my doctor Friday morning and got worked in that day.
I visited with the doctor, told them my symptoms, and they sent me to ultrasound. At 2:30PM on Friday 4/9/10 I got a beautiful ultrasound picture of my baby laying on his side of course facing away (every pic as soon as they put the ultrasound on him, he would roll over, lol, guess he was camera shy!!) They said the baby was fine, and i got to hear his heartbeat which was great. They said my cervix was thin, supposed to be 4cm but was 1.4cm. They said i was severely dehydrated (i had been really sick the last 2 days, so that made sense to me). Said cramps could be coming from being so dehydrated because my body was basically eating my muscle. Or it could be preterm labor. They put me on medicine for nausea and medicine to stop preterm labor. They couldn't be sure what it was because they couldn't tell what was causing the cramping, so they were being preventive for both cases. They said to come back Monday and if the cramps were gone it was definately the dehydration and they would put a stitch in my cervix because i could have an incompetent cervix. But they also said they were going to give the on call ER doctor my info, just in case it was labor and my body was rejecting the pregnancy, because at 14w4d if that were the case, there was nothing that could be done. They were really supportive, really helpful, and sincerely concerned. I trusted them, and still do. I love my doctors that i go to, and always will. I went home, got my perscriptions filled, and spent time with my husband since he hadn't been able to go to the doctor with me (work, ugh). We ate dinner, and as soon as i ate, i got sick. I ate some fruit and drank some Gatorade. HYDRATE YOUR BODY i kept saying. The cramps were still getting worse, probably about every 2 minutes lasting 45 seconds, but i was determined to be strong. I knew it was just dehydration. I drank a bottle of water. Ate some oatmeal (i had just learned it was very nutritious for pregnant women), drank more gatorade. And i didn't get sick! Maybe it was working! About 10:30 we went to bed. I tossed and turned, sat up cross legged in the bed holding my pillow. I got up around 12:30am and sat on the couch. I cradled the toilet. And got sick. I'd sit on the toilet and bleed, not heavy, but still. I'd throw up. I'd get on the couch. In the bed. At the toilet. Trying to be quiet and be strong cause i knew my wonderful husband had worked 13 hours that day and was tired. I knew i could get through this. I was going to be okay. The baby was going to be okay. I am a strong, determined woman who can make it through anything knowing that God will get me through it. About 3:30 the cramps were every minute and a half, lasting about a minute. "God please get me through this, Satan leave my house" i kept saying. I was still sitting in front of the toilet, doubled over in pain, and i said to myself "God, please help me, take this pain away and let your will be done. Please." After i stopped being sick i went and got on the couch, in the place my husband always sits, with a cup of mandarin oranges and a bottle of blue gatorade. I am going to get myself well. I took bite after bite between then cramps. Between every other pain i would drink gatorade. I even drank the juice the oranges were in. I was determined. I finished the oranges, and drank a big swallow of gatorade, and i felt the sudden urge that i had to pee REALLY REALLY bad. By this time it's around 4am. I walked as quickly as i could to the bathroom in our bedroom, shut the door, turned the light on, and pulled my pants down, and squatted. Before i even got all the way down on the seat, it happened. I felt a gush all of a sudden and it felt relieving, but it scared me because in my heart i knew what it was. I looked down and saw a gray cord with my baby attached. It was really happening. It was inevitable now. I sat there for a minute shocked, not crying, and thought about what to do. I placed my hand under the baby so he wouldn't dangle there. I called for my husband, and after about 6 times of yelling his name, he answered. I told him to get my phone i need to call the doctor. He got my phone. He brought the wrong one (i had messed my personal phone up, so i was using my work phone while waiting for my replacement). He got my work phone and i called the ER and had them connect me to the on call DR. I waited until he came on the line, and i introduced myself, but he knew who i was. I told him that i had had a miscarriage but the placenta hadn't been delivered yet and i wanted to know if it was safe to cut the umbilical cord myself. He stuttered a few seconds (i think because he was shocked that i was being so calm) and said yes, and told me to cut it sort of close to the baby so that the cord couldn't pull back inside of me. I got my husband (who was sitting on the edge of our bathtub the whole time) to get me a pair of scissors. He did. The doctor told me that if i could bring the baby with me to the hospital and wear a pad to contain the bleeding as much as possible. He said he would meet me at the ER. I said okay, thank you and got off the phone. I gave my husband the phone and, still being amazingly calm, i told him that he probably wanted to go out cause i knew he wasn't going to be able to deal with this (looking back i don't know how i did). He did and while he was in the bedroom, i held our beautiful little boy for a moment, cut the cord, and laid him on the bath towel that i had been cradling when i was sick earlier. He was so beautiful. All his fingers, all his toes. Nothing i could visually see was wrong. I remember as i cut the cord and laid him down, i remember seeing the blood dripping from the cord and thinking, that was supposed to be his blood. To keep him healthy. I placed a new pad in my underwear and told my husband to get a plastic ziplock bag and a walmart bag. I placed the baby in the ziplock bag but couldn't find it in me to zip it. Knowing that he was already in Heaven, i still didn't want to cut off oxygen to him, i just couldn't. I couldnt tie the walmart bag together. I got dressed quickly. Got in the vehicle placing a blanket under me, holding our baby all the way. I called my mom, and my aunt. My husband got us to the ER (which was in the neighboring county where my doctor was located about 35 minutes away) in about 20 minutes. I was in so much pain the whole ride, still having contractions from my body trying to pass the placenta. It was awful. I got to the ER and my husband pushed me in in a wheelchair. They were expecting me, checked me in, and got me to my room in 5 minutes, thanks to the on call doctor. I asked them if i could go to the restroom, and they let me, so i went to the bathroom which was right next to my room. I knew i was about to pass the placenta, but i didn't want to do it in the room with them there. i wanted to be alone. I sat down, and it passed. In this awful situation, that was probably the best feeling i felt, just because after that, the pain stopped. I told the nurses that i would get it cause i knew they wanted to check it, but they kept telling me not to worry they would take care of everything.
After that everything was a blur for me. We got to see the baby again. He was wrapped in a little crochet blanket that was a light yellow. Beautiful :) The doctor came in to talk about it with us, talking about how to cope. We were calm through the whole thing. I told him God had a plan for our son and everything happened for a reason. We talked a little more, and he asked if we wanted to have tests done on the baby and the placenta to see if they could find a reason. I said yes. My husband agreed. My husbands parents seen the baby while i went to another room to be examined (a room with stirrups...) . The doctor said i didn't need a D&C. He said i did good, and everything looked okay considering the situation. He apologized. He was really nice. He asked if we had questions. We didn't. He said they were going to give me fluids and if the bleeding was okay they would probably let me go home. He apologized again. We went back to the other room and my mom and my aunt were there. They got to see the baby. We talked. I got fluids. And we went home. I felt so exhausted. They had given me 2 perscriptions. Pain meds and something to help my uterus get back to size. I went straight home from the hospital. We ate, and we slept. And that was the best sleep i've had in a long time, but i woke up empty. I wanted my baby back inside of me. I wanted the pain if i could have kept my son. I wanted to rewind time.
Around 4:00am on April 10, 2010 we lost our precious baby boy Rylee James. He weighed .085 kg and he was 5.5 inches long. He was perfect to us. We will always remember our blessing, even if we can't physically hold him each and every day. He has and will continue changing our lives daily.
The staff at the ER was wonderful. They gave us another crochet blanket thats white with blue edges. They asked if we wanted the blanket he was wrapped in, but my husband wanted it to stay around the baby. They gave us his footprints and handprints and a beautiful card. The gave us a pinky ring for Rylee.
It is going to take time to get over this, and move on. I will NEVER forget. He will always be in my heart. I pray and tell him good night and i love him every night before bed. I am blessed, even through this heartache.
God has a plan, and i will follow it. He will get us through. And if he sees fit, he will bless us with another child.
<3 <3
***ATTENTION:: IT IS DETAILED...IT IS GRAPHIC...AND IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL LIKE ME, YOU WILL PROBABLY CRY!****
Terry and I had been trying to get pregnant diligently for about 1 year, while not trying to prevent it for another 2 years. So finally after many negative pregnancy tests, and monitored periods i started using an ovulation kit. One Friday night i got down to my last ovulation stick, and after getting the unwanted answer I decided it was time to just let it take it's course, if it were ever to happen. Before I left the bathroom i decided to use my last pregnancy test just to rule that out, and as i waited for the results to pop up on that clear blue screen, i got a funny feeling. What if i was pregnant? I waited, thinking about the following two weeks when my husband and I were scheduled to go to fertility doctors for both of us, I dreaded that. I waited and waited...and the screen finally appeared... PREGNANT ....... wait..what?! where's the NOT in front of it that i'm so accustomed to seeing?! omg OMG . I'm pregnant! So there's the exciting start to my heart breaking story.
That was right at the end of January 2010. I had an OB visit and ultrasound at 7 weeks (2 weeks after i found out i was prego) and we got the blessing of seeing our baby's fluttering heartbeat AND got to hear it, along with 2 cute pictures :) . I had another ultrasound around 11 weeks and we got to see our wonderful baby in 4D!! So exciting! He was waving in one, and curled in a side view in another, stretched out in another, and laying flat on his belly in another. His heartbeat was amazing again. So breathtaking and shocking that my husband and i could make such a beautiful creation.
On the day of our 11 weeks ultrasound i started spotting about 2 hours before my appointment. When i went to the Dr, i told them and they were not concerned because the heartbeat was good, the baby was growing perfectly, and everything looked A okay. My doctor said many many women spot and it could be from exercise, intercourse, or other things. So i tried to accept that as much as i could, and went on. I still worried a little, but who wouldn't. I trust my doctors though, they are wonderful, so i settled down a little.
That was on a Thursday, and Saturday morning, i thought i had a miscarriage. I bled a lot, and passed a few large clots. I didn't know what to expect, so i called my husband (he had to work, which was soooo unusual for a Saturday) and he took me to our local ER. After waiting forever while sitting there in the lobby bleeding, they FINALLY took me back, just to wait longer. They started an IV (my first IV ever...) and said they were going to check my hormone levels, do an ultrasound to see if the baby was still there, and do an exam to see if my cervix was open. They did bloodwork, then did the exam. I was so shocked to see how they did the exam. They didn't have me in a bed with stirrups, so they put a bedpan upside down, covered it with a sheet and had me place my butt on it. It was so awkward and uncomfortable, why couldn't they just take me to another room?! But out of that awkward moment, i received good news. My cervix was closed. The Dr. said it would be almost impossible to miscarry and my cervix close back completely that quick, so they did an ultrasound directly afterwards. There was our beautiful baby, flipping and twisting and having a blast. Heartbeat was good, everything looked good, so they waited on my hormone levels, which turned out okay, and sent me home and told me to follow up with my Dr. Monday. Yay :) .
Monday morning I called my doctor and made and appointment for that afternoon. We went in and had another ultrasound (and got pics!!) and talked with the doctor. Our miracle was fine, but i was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa, which is where my placenta grew on the lower part of my uterus and covered my cervix. My doctor was very reassuring with this, saying that besides the bleeding there was really nothing to worry about this early in the game because as my uterus expanded, the previa would migrate up with my uterus. They said this condition was more of a later 2nd trimester, early 3rd trimester thing, and i should be just fine. They did put me on best rest and told me that any time i was bleeding, i would have to be on bed rest. Which was completely fine with me as long as it would keep our baby healthy. :) After about a week of bed rest, i went back to work.
I worked 1 week and that Friday morning i had another doctors appointment (Good Friday). Everything was fine that morning, no bleeding or anything. I had only been sick a little bit, and my doctor had told me to take a few over the counter vitamins to control it, which had been working. So i was really happy. The doctor did tell us no intercourse at this point until the previa moves, which sucked lol, but it would be completely worth the wait to hold our little one in our arms in about 6 months. That Friday evening we were spending time with my husbands family because his aunt, who was more like a grandmother to him, was dying of lung cancer. The doctor had given her less than 2 weeks, and at this point, the backbone of our extra large family couldn't even sit up on her own, wasn't eating or drinking, and we all knew it was a matter of days, not weeks. While sitting there i started bleeding really heavy, but i knew it was just the previa. I handled everything well, and knew to get off my feet, so i did. Saturday morning i called my doctor and he told me if i were still bleeding Monday he would pull me out of work as long as i needed until the bleeding stopped. I had a wonderful group of doctors, i was so appreciative. I wanted to keep my lil sweetie as healthy as i could :)
So i was out of work until Wednesday, and i thought i was going back that day, but i started bleeding again that morning (it had stopped Tuesday afternoon). I called the doctor and took care of work notes by fax. Everything was still okay. Until that afternoon. I started getting cramps. I was puzzled, because that was NOT a symptom of my previa. That night i was up and down, getting only a few hours of sleep. Thursday night they were worse, being every three minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. Sure in the world didn't sound like cramps to me, it sounded like contractions! So i called my doctor Friday morning and got worked in that day.
I visited with the doctor, told them my symptoms, and they sent me to ultrasound. At 2:30PM on Friday 4/9/10 I got a beautiful ultrasound picture of my baby laying on his side of course facing away (every pic as soon as they put the ultrasound on him, he would roll over, lol, guess he was camera shy!!) They said the baby was fine, and i got to hear his heartbeat which was great. They said my cervix was thin, supposed to be 4cm but was 1.4cm. They said i was severely dehydrated (i had been really sick the last 2 days, so that made sense to me). Said cramps could be coming from being so dehydrated because my body was basically eating my muscle. Or it could be preterm labor. They put me on medicine for nausea and medicine to stop preterm labor. They couldn't be sure what it was because they couldn't tell what was causing the cramping, so they were being preventive for both cases. They said to come back Monday and if the cramps were gone it was definately the dehydration and they would put a stitch in my cervix because i could have an incompetent cervix. But they also said they were going to give the on call ER doctor my info, just in case it was labor and my body was rejecting the pregnancy, because at 14w4d if that were the case, there was nothing that could be done. They were really supportive, really helpful, and sincerely concerned. I trusted them, and still do. I love my doctors that i go to, and always will. I went home, got my perscriptions filled, and spent time with my husband since he hadn't been able to go to the doctor with me (work, ugh). We ate dinner, and as soon as i ate, i got sick. I ate some fruit and drank some Gatorade. HYDRATE YOUR BODY i kept saying. The cramps were still getting worse, probably about every 2 minutes lasting 45 seconds, but i was determined to be strong. I knew it was just dehydration. I drank a bottle of water. Ate some oatmeal (i had just learned it was very nutritious for pregnant women), drank more gatorade. And i didn't get sick! Maybe it was working! About 10:30 we went to bed. I tossed and turned, sat up cross legged in the bed holding my pillow. I got up around 12:30am and sat on the couch. I cradled the toilet. And got sick. I'd sit on the toilet and bleed, not heavy, but still. I'd throw up. I'd get on the couch. In the bed. At the toilet. Trying to be quiet and be strong cause i knew my wonderful husband had worked 13 hours that day and was tired. I knew i could get through this. I was going to be okay. The baby was going to be okay. I am a strong, determined woman who can make it through anything knowing that God will get me through it. About 3:30 the cramps were every minute and a half, lasting about a minute. "God please get me through this, Satan leave my house" i kept saying. I was still sitting in front of the toilet, doubled over in pain, and i said to myself "God, please help me, take this pain away and let your will be done. Please." After i stopped being sick i went and got on the couch, in the place my husband always sits, with a cup of mandarin oranges and a bottle of blue gatorade. I am going to get myself well. I took bite after bite between then cramps. Between every other pain i would drink gatorade. I even drank the juice the oranges were in. I was determined. I finished the oranges, and drank a big swallow of gatorade, and i felt the sudden urge that i had to pee REALLY REALLY bad. By this time it's around 4am. I walked as quickly as i could to the bathroom in our bedroom, shut the door, turned the light on, and pulled my pants down, and squatted. Before i even got all the way down on the seat, it happened. I felt a gush all of a sudden and it felt relieving, but it scared me because in my heart i knew what it was. I looked down and saw a gray cord with my baby attached. It was really happening. It was inevitable now. I sat there for a minute shocked, not crying, and thought about what to do. I placed my hand under the baby so he wouldn't dangle there. I called for my husband, and after about 6 times of yelling his name, he answered. I told him to get my phone i need to call the doctor. He got my phone. He brought the wrong one (i had messed my personal phone up, so i was using my work phone while waiting for my replacement). He got my work phone and i called the ER and had them connect me to the on call DR. I waited until he came on the line, and i introduced myself, but he knew who i was. I told him that i had had a miscarriage but the placenta hadn't been delivered yet and i wanted to know if it was safe to cut the umbilical cord myself. He stuttered a few seconds (i think because he was shocked that i was being so calm) and said yes, and told me to cut it sort of close to the baby so that the cord couldn't pull back inside of me. I got my husband (who was sitting on the edge of our bathtub the whole time) to get me a pair of scissors. He did. The doctor told me that if i could bring the baby with me to the hospital and wear a pad to contain the bleeding as much as possible. He said he would meet me at the ER. I said okay, thank you and got off the phone. I gave my husband the phone and, still being amazingly calm, i told him that he probably wanted to go out cause i knew he wasn't going to be able to deal with this (looking back i don't know how i did). He did and while he was in the bedroom, i held our beautiful little boy for a moment, cut the cord, and laid him on the bath towel that i had been cradling when i was sick earlier. He was so beautiful. All his fingers, all his toes. Nothing i could visually see was wrong. I remember as i cut the cord and laid him down, i remember seeing the blood dripping from the cord and thinking, that was supposed to be his blood. To keep him healthy. I placed a new pad in my underwear and told my husband to get a plastic ziplock bag and a walmart bag. I placed the baby in the ziplock bag but couldn't find it in me to zip it. Knowing that he was already in Heaven, i still didn't want to cut off oxygen to him, i just couldn't. I couldnt tie the walmart bag together. I got dressed quickly. Got in the vehicle placing a blanket under me, holding our baby all the way. I called my mom, and my aunt. My husband got us to the ER (which was in the neighboring county where my doctor was located about 35 minutes away) in about 20 minutes. I was in so much pain the whole ride, still having contractions from my body trying to pass the placenta. It was awful. I got to the ER and my husband pushed me in in a wheelchair. They were expecting me, checked me in, and got me to my room in 5 minutes, thanks to the on call doctor. I asked them if i could go to the restroom, and they let me, so i went to the bathroom which was right next to my room. I knew i was about to pass the placenta, but i didn't want to do it in the room with them there. i wanted to be alone. I sat down, and it passed. In this awful situation, that was probably the best feeling i felt, just because after that, the pain stopped. I told the nurses that i would get it cause i knew they wanted to check it, but they kept telling me not to worry they would take care of everything.
After that everything was a blur for me. We got to see the baby again. He was wrapped in a little crochet blanket that was a light yellow. Beautiful :) The doctor came in to talk about it with us, talking about how to cope. We were calm through the whole thing. I told him God had a plan for our son and everything happened for a reason. We talked a little more, and he asked if we wanted to have tests done on the baby and the placenta to see if they could find a reason. I said yes. My husband agreed. My husbands parents seen the baby while i went to another room to be examined (a room with stirrups...) . The doctor said i didn't need a D&C. He said i did good, and everything looked okay considering the situation. He apologized. He was really nice. He asked if we had questions. We didn't. He said they were going to give me fluids and if the bleeding was okay they would probably let me go home. He apologized again. We went back to the other room and my mom and my aunt were there. They got to see the baby. We talked. I got fluids. And we went home. I felt so exhausted. They had given me 2 perscriptions. Pain meds and something to help my uterus get back to size. I went straight home from the hospital. We ate, and we slept. And that was the best sleep i've had in a long time, but i woke up empty. I wanted my baby back inside of me. I wanted the pain if i could have kept my son. I wanted to rewind time.
Around 4:00am on April 10, 2010 we lost our precious baby boy Rylee James. He weighed .085 kg and he was 5.5 inches long. He was perfect to us. We will always remember our blessing, even if we can't physically hold him each and every day. He has and will continue changing our lives daily.
The staff at the ER was wonderful. They gave us another crochet blanket thats white with blue edges. They asked if we wanted the blanket he was wrapped in, but my husband wanted it to stay around the baby. They gave us his footprints and handprints and a beautiful card. The gave us a pinky ring for Rylee.
It is going to take time to get over this, and move on. I will NEVER forget. He will always be in my heart. I pray and tell him good night and i love him every night before bed. I am blessed, even through this heartache.
God has a plan, and i will follow it. He will get us through. And if he sees fit, he will bless us with another child.
<3 <3
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Whoa.
Soooo. Where do i want to start with this. I finally made me a Blog. FINALLY. First i want to say to anyone reading this....I am glad you find me interesting enough that you want to read about my thoughts, feelings, and life experiences. BUT. Remember, this is MY blog. And before you get all mad about whatever it is i say on here, i did NOT ask anyone's appoval on my blogs that i choose to post. So. Now that that's out there.
I am COMPLETELY on an emotional rollercoaster as of late. I guess it could be because i'm pregnant (which if you didn't know...GUESS WHAT ! I'M PREGNANT!! :) ). But it's not all just raging hormones. I quite frequently think about our baby Rylee that we lost in April. I don't want this pregnancy to end the way that one did. He was such a life changing experience, our little blessing. He was beautiful. Too perfect for this world we live it. So ..... with the pregnancy I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ecstatic. But most of all....I'm blessed. I want to tell the world...But i don't want anyone to know, that way if something happens, i won't have to talk about it with everyone. I won't have to feel like people are looking at me with pity. I don't want pity. If anything, i want prayers. But i will make it through whatever it is that God has in store for me. I may struggle along the way....but with God, and my wonderful husband, and my family, i KNOW that i can make it through anything.
We are about 7 weeks pregnant (tomorrow makes 7) and I can't wait til we go to the doctor for the first time. We go August 2nd, and that's only 11 days, but it's tick tocking by soooo slowly. I think i made the appointment about...10 days ago. And i just want it to be here so i can get some reassurance. Some positive notes. A pic of my lil kernal. Hear the beautiful sound of that tiny little heart. I'm soo anxious. The doctor's office i go to (Physicians To Women) is the BEST OB/GYN ever. They are all soooo nice and supportive. I can't wait. But enough jabbering about that. I'm off for the night.
I <3 u Pop, Rylee, and Lil Kernal ***11 days***
I am COMPLETELY on an emotional rollercoaster as of late. I guess it could be because i'm pregnant (which if you didn't know...GUESS WHAT ! I'M PREGNANT!! :) ). But it's not all just raging hormones. I quite frequently think about our baby Rylee that we lost in April. I don't want this pregnancy to end the way that one did. He was such a life changing experience, our little blessing. He was beautiful. Too perfect for this world we live it. So ..... with the pregnancy I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ecstatic. But most of all....I'm blessed. I want to tell the world...But i don't want anyone to know, that way if something happens, i won't have to talk about it with everyone. I won't have to feel like people are looking at me with pity. I don't want pity. If anything, i want prayers. But i will make it through whatever it is that God has in store for me. I may struggle along the way....but with God, and my wonderful husband, and my family, i KNOW that i can make it through anything.
We are about 7 weeks pregnant (tomorrow makes 7) and I can't wait til we go to the doctor for the first time. We go August 2nd, and that's only 11 days, but it's tick tocking by soooo slowly. I think i made the appointment about...10 days ago. And i just want it to be here so i can get some reassurance. Some positive notes. A pic of my lil kernal. Hear the beautiful sound of that tiny little heart. I'm soo anxious. The doctor's office i go to (Physicians To Women) is the BEST OB/GYN ever. They are all soooo nice and supportive. I can't wait. But enough jabbering about that. I'm off for the night.
I <3 u Pop, Rylee, and Lil Kernal ***11 days***
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