A Late Welcome !

Miss Kaylee Paige is here! LOL, she's BEEN here...for 3 weeks as of today, exactly 3 weeks 1 hour and 12 minutes right now, hahah.
Kaylee was born on March 14th, at 4:59pm. She was 6lb 15oz and was 20 inches long. :) We are so blessed!

That's her first picture in the world :) So, let's talk a bit about the whole labor experience. It was something else, to say the least. lol. We went in to be induced at 10am that morning (i was 40 weeks, 3 days and my blood pressure was a little high at my ob visit on the previous Friday, so my doctor said we'd go ahead and get her out before my blood pressure went crazy). We got there, checked in, got situated, and met the BEST nurse in the world. Her name was Shai, and i swear, i love that woman like she's family. She was so unbelieveably amazing. She explained everything, and made me feel so comfortable. Not to mention that she reminded me of my bestie (Allyson!!) so of course i loved her from the get-go lol. So anyways, we finally started the pitocin to get things going, and i started having regular contractions...long story short....they got to be about 2-3 minutes apart, but they never really got any stronger once i dilated to 5cm. Once i dilated to that point, Kaylee's heartrate started dropping. And everytime her heartrate dropped, it took a little longer to get it back to the baseline it was at in the beginning. So my dr and i started talking about a c-section and all the other things. He said he didn't want to do a c-section if possible because i was progressing great and "i had a wonderful cervix for a vaginal birth" (umm..okay, lol). So he broke my water, and to monitor things a bit better, he put an internal monitor in to monitor my contractions' strength, and another monitor in the top of Kaylee's head to precisely track her heartrate. So i dilated to 7 and the dr came in and said we had to talk. We started talking about a c-section more seriously. And getting an epidural. I had it set in my mind that i wasn't going to get an epidural. BUT the dr said that if i did have to have a c-section (it of course would be a quick decision, no time for planning, etc) that if i DIDN'T have the epidural before we made that choice, they would have to put me to sleep, and my husband couldn't go back with me. So i told him to go ahead and get me the epidural because i didn't want to go back there alone. So they gave me an epidural and we waited about 10 more minutes, and the dr came back in and said that we couldn't keep testing it, the baby was obviously not dealing with the contractions well, and we had to have a c-section. So we get ready, my hubby Terry gets dressed in his scrubs, then they take us back to the OR. Another experience all in itself. LOL.
I must say, epidurals are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. After they gave me my epidural, i never felt another contraction. And you know how they tell you it takes away the pain, but you still feel the pressure? I didn't feel pressure either lol. Once we got into the OR, they gave me some stuff thru my epidural line, and i went numb up to my arms. It was awesome. The dr who gave me the epidural took a cold alcohol sponge and said to let me know when i felt it, and he started at my hips and went up. I didn't feel it until he got almost to my armpits HAHAH! So they are getting me ready and they finally bring Terry in (he couldn't come back for prep). So my dr leans over the blue sheet and says "i just pinched the crap out of your belly, did you feel that?" And i laughed and said "i sure didn't!" So he went back to work. Well, we waited about 5 minutes or so, and i figured they would tell me before they cut me. So the nurse that was at my head said "Okay, he's making his way through the layers to the baby, this should take about 8 minutes, then once the baby is out, he'll sew you up, and that should take 30-40 minutes". And i was like "what?! Huh?? He cut me already?" LOL. I didn't feel anything. No pressure. No pulling. Nothing. The only thing i felt was when they rolled me to move me to the other bed to take me to recovery. Once they got the baby out and they cleaned her airway, hearing our little girl's first cry was something i wish i could have recorded. I would listen to it everyday. That was by far, one of the most amazing things i have EVER E.V.E.R. heard in my life. She was so beautiful. But so small compared to what i thought. She was healthy. We were happy. We are happy.

Turns out, Kaylee's heartrate kept dropping because her cord was wrapped around her neck once. Only one time usually doesn't make a big difference, and you can still have a vaginal birth. BUT...Kaylee's cord was also short. So with every contraction and every little bit that she slid down in the birth canal, it was cutting off her airway and she couldn't breathe. My dr said that if i had done a vaginal birth, with every push it would have tightened the cord even tighter, and could have been deadly if it wasn't a quick delivery. So I fully believe God was leading my dr. He was such an amazing dr. <3

It's been 3 weeks since she made her debut. And these have been the best 3 weeks of my life. It's like i'm living on Cloud 9. Kaylee is such a great baby. Yeah, she cries, and she fusses when she needs to eat. Or When she's wet. Or cold. Or wants to cuddle. But i love it. I am such a proud parent. Terry is such a great dad. It's all just so surreal. It's hard to believe. We thank God each day for blessing us the way that he did.
On a bittersweet note. This Saturday (April 10th), it will be one year since we lost Rylee. It's still hard to digest some days. I feel sad, but ....."__________". i don't know what that feeling is. It's like, I want Rylee. BUT i know that if Rylee wouldn't have been needed as an angel in Heaven, we wouldn't have Kaylee. And i can't imagine my life without my little girl. So i'm not sure what that emotion is. I feel it, whatever it is. It tugs on my heart strings. Certain things trigger it. I don't cry anymore, because i'm at peace. But. It's still there. And he always will be. God is just so amazing, he knows what the plans are, he knows whats next, he knew before we even knew we were pregnant with Rylee that we would have Kaylee. All i can do is praise him and thank him for bringing me through what he has, and continue to follow him for what's to come. <3 <3

So here we are at THIRTY FOUR WEEKS ! ahhh. Can't believe it. Not much new to say. I haven't had any more braxton hicks contractions lately. That's a plus. We had our second baby shower Friday. Kaylee has gotten soooo SOOOOOO many clothes. I really have no idea what i'm going to do with all of them. I don't want to exchange them because they are all so beautiful. But there are so many of them i don't see her being able to wear them all at one point or another. Either way, crazy me has already taken all the tags off, washed them, and now i've got TONS of them to put away, lol. I look at it like this...my best friend is having a girl right around the same time as me. My aunt is having a girl in June. A friend is having triplets (YAY), and my cousin is having a baby. Not to mention about 20 other people i know who are prego. So if any of them want any of the clothes that i'm sure won't even be worn, i'll be more than willing to give them some! lol.

I'm definately going through the whole nesting phase now. I've scrubbed toilets, sinks, mirrors, and washed clothes and clothes and more clothes, AND cooked dinner and cleaned up the mess today. And if i have the energy after i rest a few more minutes, i'm going to put up the rest of the clothes. LOL. i LOVE it!

Keeping quite a few people on my prayer list! Love you guys!

Kaylee, MOMMY CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO GET HERE!!! <3

Welcome Mr. Hicks

Wow. Welcome to my life Mr. Braxton Hicks. I really don't like you. Especially since you aren't getting Kaylee here any faster. UGH!!

Today was my first real day experiencing REAL braxton hicks contractions. Well. I THINK they are BH. I'm still having them on and off, so who knows they could be the real thing (i don't feel like it though, lol). But i must say, they are much different than the real LABOR pains i had when we lost Rylee. It really freaked me out at first, but then i learned how to breathe through them lol. Quite the experience.

It's getting close. I'm really excited. Only 6weeks and 2 days left. 44 days!! AHHHH. I'm so excited. I can't wait. I want to see what Kaylee is going to look like. I want to hold her, kiss her, hug her. I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT!! I guess i need to pack my hospital bag, since i haven't done it yet.

Can't wait to meet you Miss Kaylee!!! <3

Whoa.

Sooo it's early. 5:20am. Usually by this time, i'm at work, or on the way to work depending on what time i have to be there. BUT i'm off today (no work, nothing bad, thank God) And of course, when my hubby got up to go to work at 4AM, i couldn't go back to sleep. So i laid here worrying about him until he called to let me know he got to work okay. There's a lot of ice on the roads here this morning, and my mom rode with him. So i was worried about BOTH of them lol. But they made it. yay. BBBUUUTTT i still can't go back to sleep. So i got the laptop, my phone, and the remote, and here i am curled up in the middle of the bed, with Soxx (my spoiled kitty who thinks he's human)surfing the web. AND texting my brother, who is pulling his first night shift tonight/this morning LOL. Talk about multi-tasking at an early hour, huh? Anyways, the point of my post.

I have read a few blogs this morning that really hit home for me, and i think in the next few coming months, are going to be even more real for me. so maybe this is my way of prepping for what's to come. I think about Rylee a lot. We may not have been as far along as a lot of people i know who lost a baby, but it hurts regardless. I think about it pretty often. It's a tight spot too, because if he were still here, a few things would be different. For one, he would actually BE here now, not just inside my belly, but actually in my arms. He would be right around 3 months now. <3 So it hurts to have empty arms when it COULD have been such a happy time. BUT if it wasn't for my loss, i wouldn't have Kaylee on the way. And i'm soo overjoyed with Kaylee. She seems like such a happy, spunky lil personality.

I want Rylee. But I want Kaylee too. I don't know how i'm supposed to feel really.

If i'm happy for being a little over 8 months pregnant with Kaylee, then i feel like i'm just forgetting about Rylee.

But if i think about Rylee and wish things would have been different, i feel like i'm not showing enough appreciation for being blessed with Kaylee.

??? So where do i go from here. When i push it all to the back of my mind and don't think about it for a bit, when i do think about it, it's quite overwhelming.

I really just need to pray about it more. That's the only thing that can really get me through. Prayer and God, as well as words of encouragement from friends/loved ones. But other than here, no one seems to discuss it so openly. It's like people think that if they talk about it, it's pouring salt in an open wound. But i feel better when i talk about it, get it out. And no one in my life that i talk with daily can relate. I know quite a few people who have lost whom i see at least once or twice a week, but they NEVER bring it up. It's as if they don't bring it up, so it's not so real. But you can't push it away all the time. I'm sure it's there, just like with me. Prolonging the thoughts just make them all the more heartwrenching when you do face them.

*sigh* maybe i just need to go back to sleep. or lay back and enjoy Kaylee's rolls, nudges, kicks, and cute lil hiccups. :)

***Continuing to pray for everyone, whether you've lost and are TTC, or expecting your rainbow, or whatever the case***


"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

Updates, Rants, Chatter, and all of the Above

First, let me get the worst part off my chest. I am so anxious for Kaylee to get here. I am SO ready. I am so tired of waiting. I am SOOOOOOOO tired of being scared something is going to happen, i'm going to wake up one day and she's not going to be moving. Or something is going to go wrong during labor. Or SIDS. OR...all of the others things that could go wrong. I want her here. But. I want her safe. And she seems safe where she is, so far! So i'm scared for her to get here. I'm scared that everything will go fine for awhile, then all of a sudden...______(fill in the blank with a worry that i'm sure we've all had/will have). *sigh* Maybe it's all just the anxiousness of it all. The fact that it's getting closer. and closer. Only 8 weeks. Actually only 55 days. IF she goes to her "due date". And that's a big I.F. Did you know only SIX PERCENT of women actually deliver ON their due date? I'm just so ....worried/anxious/excited/scared/impatient/INLOVEWITHKAYLEESOMUCHITHURTSTOTHINKOFBADTHINGS , that i don't know how to contain myself!! Maybe i need medicine for this?! lol.

So now that that's over, let's go through updates, since i can't seem to blog frequently enough to not write a book everytime i post, lol. It's been hectic since...Christmas? lol. We've gotten Kaylee's crib and dresser. Put it up :) Got her mattress and bedding....and put it together. I've washed ALL of her clothes already. Folded them, put them away, hung up what needs to be hung up. I'm ready. lol. If you would like to see pix of her crib, dresser, bedding, etc. Feel free to check out my facebook (Jesika Bussey) . We went to our 30 week ultrasound before the new year, and everything looked good. Blood pressure was good, baby movement was good, everything else good :) I had lost 1 pound (which i'd only gained 4 through the whole pregnancy, lol), which they weren't concerned about since i was overweight before getting pregnant anyways, lol. The dr (which wasn't my normal dr, he was on vac) said i was measuring "a little" larger for dates by my belly measurement, so at the 32 week appointment we got an ultrasound! (yay!!) So that was yesterday....ultrasound checked out well! Very well actually. Kaylee weighs about 3 lb 12 oz. Dummy me forgot to ask her length AND if she had a lot or a little hair, lol. I guess i was just too excited to see her pretty face. And man, i was soo excited when she actually COOPERATED and let us get tons of face shots! (they're also ALL on my facebook page lol). It was so great. So then i went to the doctors office, and they checked my weight, and i've lost almost 3 more pounds....which got me nervous, so then they checked my blood pressure and my top number was 134, which she said was just a tad bit high. SO while i'm waiting on the doctor i completely start freaking out worrying lol. I get so hot that my hubby had to go ask the nurse for a bottled water. AND BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE! never, and i do mean NEVER again will i send him to the nurses station asking for something for me because i'm a little hot, while pregnant. LOL. Like 5 nurses bombarded him with IS SHE OKAY IS SHE IN LABOR SHES NOT GONNA PASS OUT IS SHE..and then gave him a sprite and followed him back to my room. I just about peed myself laughing....after the fact of course. So i drank my sprite, calmed down, and then dr came in and everything was fine. I measure good now, she said she's not worried about the weight loss because the baby is growing, and my blood pressure she wasn't concerned with at all either. So yay! :) OOOO before i forget. Kaylee did the FUNNIEST thing while i was being measured! Hahah. I laid back on the ..table/bed/whatever, and the dr went to measure me and my husband went OMG LOOK AT YOUR STOMACH!! So i did, as well as put my hands on it (hello i'm laying flat on my back pregnant, can't exactly see much !! LOL) and Kaylee had shifted ALL the way to my right side. So my belly was SOOOO huge on the right, and almost flat on the left. It was so amazing :) She's done it before, but not to that extent, and my hubby hasn't seen it! LOL. The dr was laughing, and my mom and husband were in awe. It was great :)

So. I think that may be all. I know it's ALL baby stuff that i'm going on about, but that's pretty much what consumes me right now. There's a few other things, but i guess with the worry i have for Kaylee's safety, etc., that's my number one thought all the time. "BABY". Lol.

I would like to ask you all to pray for my husband's uncle (who is more like a father). He had a heart attack last week, and then had to have open heart surgery. He's still in the ICU, but everything is looking good. He's been through a lot, and he continues to have the most positive attitude i've EVER seen from anyone at his age, with his health, and it's all because of the Lord. He is a strong believer, and walks the walk daily. He is such an inspiration of hope for me. SO i'm asking everyone to pray for him, so that he can continue to spend some time on this Earth being a great father, husband, friend, witness, uncle, etc. I have a gut feeling that God's not through with him yet. He's got plans for him that we haven't seen yet. I'm so grateful for that, and my husband definately is :) And thanks in advance for your prayers!!



Kaylee and her chubby cheeks <3 <3