Christmas

Wow, it is so hard to believe that Christmas is here...again. It feels like just yesterday it was Christmas, and then shortly after i found out we were pregnant with Rylee. It definately doesn't seem like a year. Not to put a damper on anything, but i've been going through this pregnancy thing almost a year, and have yet to hold a healthy, live baby of our own. I know our situation could be a LOT worse, and i'm not complaining, being as how i'm blessed with my lil Kaylee now, it's just heartbreaking in a sense. To know that Rylee would be here now. And we'd be celebrating his first Christmas with us. Alive. Healthy. *sigh* Maybe it's just hormones. I'm really blessed, so i shouldn't have even brought it up.

On to other things. This Christmas is going to be an awesome one, mostly. We actually kept ourselves in line throughout the year, and we actually had money this Christmas to buy for those who we needed/wanted to. And we're going to spend the holidays with our family, being thankful for the reason for this holiday in the first place. I just have something on my heart, and i feel i could share it without regretting it on here. My husband and his brother are not exactly on speaking terms right now. Long LONG long story...but to make it short, his brother made a few bad choices and lied about some things and Terry is tired of being used and unappreciated. He didn't make the flat out decision to "stop talking" to his brother. His brother just went one way, and we're not supporting that life. SO here it is the holidays, and i'm sure his brother won't even think about Terry. But Terry thinks about his bro a lot. Tonight we gave Terry's mom a special gift...it was a collage of pix we've taken over the years. And even though Terry's upset with his bro right now, he didn't try to exclude him in the pix. There are quite a few with him in them. And when Susie opened it she started crying, and Terry did too. And then it was just an emotional thing, knowing that they care so much, and he probably hasn't thought twice about them. I just hope my husband can find enough strength to get through the holidays without it being so emotional and upsetting for him. I really wish his brother would just call him though. And tell him he loves him. And he doesn't want anything, except to tell him he was thinking about him and loved him. I pray that will happen. I pray that the whole purpose of this holiday can bring this family back together, like a REAL family, not what it had become in the last 6 to 8 months. I know God can do it....I just hope that's part of the plan. His plan. I pray that whatever His plan is, we can welcome it, and accept it with open arms :)

On a completely happy note, i can NOT wait to exchange gifts this year. We got quite a few people some awesome MEANINGFUL gifts, and i can't wait to see their expressions when they open them. I love giving someone something meaningful...something more important than money or clothes or something like that. I like things with sentimental value. Not that money or clothes can't be important, but....you guys know what i mean! lol.

AND...off the subject of Christmas....we're to the point where we start going to the dr every 2 weeks now! So exciting! Tomorrow i will be 29 weeks. Only 11 weeks to go. 77 days. And our lil baby will be here. Maybe sooner than that! wow. My family, as well as Terry's family has been talking about baby showers and such. It's just all so surreal. Wow. <3 I'm getting excited.

So, i've ranted / raved / jabbered enough. Just want you guys to keep a couple unspoken names in your prayers. Prayer can do a lot of things.

" Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. " ~ Phillipians 4:6

<3

Holiday Festivities

*ahhhh* it feels SOO good to relax. I have been running since Wednesday, and even though it has been an amazing Thanksgiving Holiday, i must say i am whooped! So let's recap all my activities. Wednesday we had to do inventory at work, and were there til about 8:00AM. Then we came home and took a shower, and headed to Terry's mom's house. We had decided to do Thanksgiving over there on Wednesday since she had to work Thursday and we always go to my Grandma's on Thanksgiving evening. So we hung out over there with her all day. Terry and I hopped on the four-wheelers (one was ours one was Susie's b/f) and rode for awhile, then Susie and i had to go to Walmart to get a few last minute things. Then when we got back Susie started cooking and i had to go pick up my neice Mariah and nephew Elisha from Bedford so they could come spend the holidays with us. After a GPS that got me lost (and i KNOW i took all the right roads) and having to stop and pee TWICE cause Kaylee was pushing her head down on my bladder, i finally got there. Then on the way back, i decided that i was going to pitch a fit with the dealership where i bought my car because it's in the shop UNDER WARRANTY and they said they didn't have a rental for me. Needless to say, i got me a rental car by the time i got back to FC, lol. It was a Ford Focus :( Which sucks when i'm used to my spacious, roomy, comfy, decked out Dodge Journey....BUT at least it's wheels. It gets me where i have to go, and i don't have to pay for it, heheh. So anyways i FINALLY make it back to Susie's, and we had a friggin AWESOME dinner. She made turkey, fried stuffing (which i must say, Kaylee LOVED), mashed potatoes and gravy, brown and serve rolls, greens, green beans, macaroni and cheese, 2 sweet potato pies, 2 pumpkin pies, and some kinda green salad with cottage cheese. I was so full. SO FULL. Then we came home and i slept like a baby. Thursday morning we got up and i had to go shopping to cook a few things for Grandma's. I made crockpot macaroni and cheese, my infamous 7 layer salad, and a pumpkin pie. And of course Terry's dad made a meatloaf (if we showed up at any of my family gettogethers and didn't have it we would have to leave lol). So then we went to my grandmas (and my mom and bro had to ride with us cause HER car messed up too ! How crazy) and ate like pigs again lol. Then we came home and ordered a movie and hung out with my bro Mikey, Elisha, and Mariah the rest of the night :) Friday we slept in instead of doing the whole door-buster black friday stuff. I was going to, but i don't want anything. i don't need anything. So we just waited til later around noon and headed to Valley View. (We had to take Elisha home cause he was sick....which i think he caught my cold, booo) Valley view was STILL packed @ 1. We went in a couple stores, but i got tired of dealing with all the rude people bumping into me and not saying excuse me, so instead of me going flip off on someone, we just left. BUT not before i got me a pizza pretzel from Aunt Annie's Pretzel Shop. I love them!! Then we went in Walmart on 220 and i had to get a new SD card for picture storage....and what do ya know, they were on sale for $5 when they were regular $20!! and it wasn't advertised!! I was so happy i went back and bought the other 2 they had left lol! TTHHEENN we came home and cooked some mashed potatoes and gravy to go with the turkey and fried stuffing Terry's dad had made while we were gone and we all had Thanksgiving dinner at our house...again. Lol. So after getting our bellies full, i ended up falling asleep on the couch around 9 lol and slept til 12 and then got in the bed, lol. So today, we got up around 7:30 had waffles and bacon for breakfast, then met up with Terry's mom's boyfriend Jimmy and headed to Floyd to the Christmas tree farm to find our perfect Christmas tree. And it was sooOSOSOSOOSOS friggin cold! OMG! It was 31 degrees and the wind was blowing sooo hard. I about froze. But we had so much fun. We got the best Christmas tree, and i bought some of the most awesome smelling potpourri! I love it. I get some every year. The wife of the guy who owns the farm makes it :) Soo after finally warming up, we had to come home, take Mariah all the way to Bedford, then go to Susie's to help her put up her tree that Jimmy got. Then we FINALLY came home, after going to walmart and buying some many UNNEEDED Christmas decorations, and put our tree up. Of course i can't decorate it til 2moro so the branches can settle, but i'm so exhausted i don't think i could do it tonite if i wanted to. Which i don't. So here i am, sitting on my tail, trying to play with my stubborn Kaylee. She kicks when i am the only one paying attention, but if anyone else puts their hands on my belly, she will NOT kick for nuthin! LOL, Terry's only felt her once, and that was like, 8 weeks ago! lol. Oh well i guess, soon enough she's going to be so big she can't help but let us feel her kick!

So i'm done rambling for now. I'm off to bed. <3>
Kaylee Paige *24wks6days

Prayers Requested!!

Wow. I have so much to say. SO much to say. and i'll probably forget something, but i'm going to try to quickly get down everything i have been wanting to blog.

First. I really need people to pray....for a couple different people/families. Starting with a friend of mine named T*. I'll go into a little detail. She was pregnant and lost the baby around 6 or 7 weeks. I'm not sure how long ago that was. Then she got prego again. She was due sometime in January, so she was like, 6 weeks further along than i am, which puts her at 28 or 29 weeks. Well during the whole pregnancy she has been severely sick. She has some sort of intestinal disease which causes her lots of problems. Probably about three weeks ago she was hospitalized, and stayed in the hospital for 10 days. She got out on a Friday, and 2 days later (last Sunday) she went back to the er with really bad pain. To sum it up, she had horrible infection and it had gotten really bad....and it .....(thinking of the correct words....).....made the baby pass away. And the dr. said if they would have waited she could have died too. I don't want to go into anymore detail, but please PLEASE pray for her. And her family. I am so upset for her. I know it's so bad to lose a baby, but she almost died too. I just can't imagine. Please pray. <3

Another family also needs our prayers. For those of you who don't know, i work at a window factory called Plygem. Our plant manager, Robert "Bob" Andrews, was killed in a head on collision Saturday morning. I'm really at a loss for words regarding this. You just have no idea when it's going to be your last breath, your last kiss, your last meal. It's just overwelming in a way. That could have been me. Or Terry. Or you. :( Bob was a good man, firm in his Christian beliefs, and i know God took care of him, but i.......just feel like i took him for granted. I seen this man everyday, he was there for us when we lost Rylee, and i never told him how much i appreciate him. *sigh* Please just pray for his family (his wife and 2 kids were with him, but they are okay, were released from the hospital yesterday).

On a little bit lighter note my aunt and one of my friends just found out they were expecting not too long ago. So also keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Lol i know, i have a long prayer list today :) Just shows that people need God ! :)

Sooooo about the baby. :) Kaylee seems to be getting bigger. I can feel her kicking and moving and twisting around! It's so exciting! i can't wait til we go back to the dr this Friday! We'll be 6 months! Guess we're on the downhill side of this, huh? :)

Well....i think i touched on everything. I'm sure i 4got something but it'll just have to be in the next post lol.

Overjoyed

BLESSED. That's pretty much the perfect word to sum up the last three days. Let's go through it day by day.

Friday Oct 22nd. We went to the doctor for my 20 week scan. And i was so nervous i figured my blood pressure would be sky-high. (which it wasn't, it was great) We got to see our lil kernal, and we found out we are going to be blessed in less than 6 months with a lil girl !! We're naming her Kaylee Paige. Her daddy picked it out hehehe. Such a beautiful name i think. We are both so ecstatic. We were wanting another boy soooo bad since we lost Rylee, but the moment they told us GIRL, i'm overwhelmed with joy. I am so so excited, anxious, impatient, looking-forward-to meeting her that i can't even think straight. And i've felt a lot of movement, and even a few kicks. It's just such an amazing thing, even after our loss. :(

Saturday Oct 23rd. Yes, the determination of a girl COULD be wrong, but i couldn't help myself. My husband and i have been working so hard to save money, and so we decided we were going on an all-day shopping spree. And we did. And even though i'm sure people will buy us plenty of clothes, we bought tons of clothes. Onesies, jumpers, outfits, a jacket, a few hats, blankets, pacifiers, a sleep sack....and we changed some of the things on our registry since we know what we're having. We had so much fun. I'm looking forward to this journey.

Sunday Oct 24th. Today was icing on the cake. I got to sleep in (which is probably the best thing, lol) and when i woke up, i just laid in bed and put my hands on my belly and enjoyed feeling Kaylee move around. Then when my hubby woke up and he put his hand on my belly, she stopped. Lol! She is such an amusing baby. At the ultrasound the nurse would the wand lower on my belly to get a between the leg shot and she would cover up with her hands. So the nurse would move the wand up on my belly to get a face shot and she would move her hands up to cover her face. Then the nurse would go back lower, and she would move her hands back down, and then back up. It was soooooo funny. We got a half view face shot, but we FINALLY got a good shot of the three lines saying she was a lil girl. Lol. Also today (sunday) my mom brought two big tote containers full of girl baby clothes that she has been buying and gave them to me. There are so many dresses and onesies and outfits in there. And socks, we are definately not going to have to buy socks, lol. My mom said "Jesika, you might as well not have a shower, you're going to get everything before the shower!! " LOL. I'm so blessed to have such an involved family. I'm so proud. Even through the bad times in the family, it's not really all that bad, lol.

So that's my excitement for the weekend. It's bittersweet, because i still miss Rylee. But i feel like this: My little Kaylee has something better than an older brother to watch over her. She has a guardian angel. Who will, I'M SURE, always protect her, and keep her safe. It hurts to know that i will never be able to hold him and hug him like i hopefully will her, but i know that he's watching over us. And i'm so blessed to be able to have him as our guardian angel, right along with such an amazing Savior who will protect my little family.

Thank you Lord for all that you have given me, even if i don't think i always deserve it.

<3

This & That

So...i've got a lot of thoughts going through my head at this point. I don't even know where to start.

We made it past the point where we lost Rylee. We were 14weeks4days with him. We're 17 weeks and 2 days now. yay :) So i'm so excited. I've been feeling the baby move quite a bit. Yesterday i think i even felt a strong kick. Heheh. It was amazing. I'm so so anxious to start feeling him/her more. I think that is the most anticipated part for me. AND i'm so excited to find out what my lil kicker is. We are so anxious. We were supposed to find out this past Monday at our last appointment, BUT our lil munchkin wouldn't lay still lol. He/she was kicking right towards the monitor. Lol.

But....all my excitement is dampened. Because...in 2 days it will be my due date with Rylee. I've done really well up until now. But it's hard not to think about it when the two people that were due around the same time as me are talking about the induction date and "nesting" and counting down the days. It's not their fault, and i don't have any negative feelings towards them, but i'm sad because that should have been me. I should be putting on my status ***2 days*** and other stuff like that. And although i am very thankful for the blessing that is growing inside of me, i can't help but be a little sad that my first is gone. No matter what i say or do or think, nothing can change that. I am just so upset. I haven't broken down in tears yet, but i have a gut feeling that they will come Tuesday.

Please. Friends who read this. Pray for me. Pray for this baby. Pray for my husband to be my strength, second to the Lord above.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. I don't want to change anything about my life. I love the baby inside of me. More than words can describe. Miscarriage and baby loss just SUCKS. I'm sure all the people who have experienced it will DEFINATELY agree with me.

On a good note, this pregnancy is going well. Other than the normal aches and pains associated with it, i haven't been sick except for a few times earlier on. Heartburn has been rare. Sleep is still coming pretty good. And i'm starting to show :) yay :)

Well i guess that's all for now.

Periodic Visits

Believe it or not, i check my blog almost everyday...but i never have anything to say that i haven't already said, lol. My thoughts mainly are around the baby, and....the baby. I had my "unscheduled dr visit" almost 2 weeks ago, which turned out good and we got pics :) And today was my scheduled visit. Everything went well. Couldn't tell what the lil bean was yet because he/she was turned the wrong way, but they said next time is the time :) SO I'M SOOOO STOKED! AHHHH! The CRL is right about 2 inches (5.1 CM) which by my baby book ("Pregnancy Day by Day") is above average for a 13 week old fetus. AND WE'RE ONLY 12, lol. So it's definately going to be a Bussey Baby. hahaha. The heart rate was 153, so a little lower than last time which was 160. I guess its getting more regulated :) We got some great 4-D ultrasound pix today too, which i totally love.

I guess it's just nerves, but i don't want to get too overly excited. Today, and the last few days, have been the first days that i haven't really worried about things. I guess because the first trimester is over i'm starting to be more calm. But i don't wanna be too calm.....just because i'm in the second trimester doesn't mean everything's in the clear. Speaking from RECENT experience, lol.

Just continue to pray for us, we always need it. I've got a few people on my prayer list too. I'll leave their names unspoken, but they know who they are. I pray that God will touch their lives and heal them of their hurt, and bless them in ways they can't imagine. I know he has the power to.

Emotional

So who knew i'd be too tired to post anything for like, weeks. LOL. Exhaustion has definately taken it's toll on me. I want to sleep all the time, bbbuuuttt, i can't. Boo. Being at work at 5 am every morning and working til 5 or 6 pm every day really blows. BUT, i guess at least the money is good right. So let's update everything. Everything seems to be fine with the baby. No bleeding :) WOOO HOOO. That's a big step for me. I'm 10wks4days, and this is about the time i started bleeding with Rylee. I pray everyday that it doesn't start. I've been having minor aches (NOT CRAMPS) in my lower stomach since.....Saturday, on and off. It's not bad, and like i said, there's no bleeding. But to be on the safe side, i called my dr this afternoon, just to make sure it wasn't anything serious (i figure it's round ligament pains). Well, they said everything sounds okay, but to be on the safe side they're going to do an ultrasound and the dr is going to see me in the morning. They said they want to be able to prevent anything they can and they're going to keep a close eye on my based on my previous situation. So, i absolutely love my dr's office. Physicians 2 Women in Roanoke is awesome :) BBBUUUTTT. Now i'm nervous for in the morning cause i'm so terrified something is going to be wrong. Something that can't be fixed or they're going to say there's no heartbeat. Gosh, i just can't wait til lunchtime tomorrow, since it will all be over by then. But on a good note, we get to see our baby again tomorrow, yay.

Please if you will, keep us in for your prayers. We can use all we can get :)

ABC'S of ME :)

Thanks to Desiree for this :) I LOVE these things :)


A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 60. BRRRR.

B- My BEDROOM theme is: hmmm currently it's a semi-dark purple with light purple/white/pinkish flowers and spirals :)

C- The CAR in the driveway is: 2009 Dodge Journey for me, and a 2006 Chevy Colorado for my sweetie

D- My DESK looks: like a tornado hit it, lol

E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: 4:30am :( BOO

F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my hair, only after i stand in the water and get totally hot all over lol

G- My GARAGE is filled with: no garage, but we have a buildings, and it is full of.....basically junk, lol, but it's our junk, so it's all good :)

H- My HOUSE is: freezing, but smelling good, hawaiian breeze and some other smell which is awesome!!

I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: my cat Soxx sleeping on my Boppy (the best pillow in the whole world, pregnant or not!!!

J- My favorite JUICE is: orange juice, and when i get a hankering for it, apple juice

K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: the oven, i love to bake, can't wait til fall :)

L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my mom earlier today to check on me

M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: Physicians to Women (bill, ugh), Baby magazine, credit card statement, allstate bill, and like, 50 million pieces of junk mail...i hadn't been to the post office in so long, we had to see the clerk to get the rest of it, lmao

N- My NEIGHBORS think: are my parents and still live a lil ways away, and i like it like that....being secluded that is heheh

O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: fruit, fruit, fruit, Propel flavored water, CapriSuns, leftovers from Logans, leftovers from grilling out tonight, and then all the normal stuff

P- My last house PARTY was: lol, we're known for our parties, BUT....we haven't had one....since.....like 2 years ago. Terry's family came down the day after we lost Rylee and had cooked a bunch of food....but that by no means was a party.

Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: bagel bites, lol

R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: my bedroom :)

S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: Aussi !!

T- My largest TELEVISION is: 62"

U- UNDER my bed you will find: containers of wedding stuff, boxes of scrapbooking items, puzzles we've glued together but haven't hung up, and probably some of my socks that Soxx has drug away lol

V- The last time I VACUUMED was: actually...TODAY!! good thing i didn't fill this out yesterday lmao

W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: darkness, lightning bugs ;)

X- I wish I had extra: money, lots of it

Y- My YARD is: freshly mowed, flowers blooming, beautiful !!

Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: 9pm, and earlier depending on how tired i am, lol

Great News

Well, first i want to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers! They have been greatly appreciated!! We went to our first appointment today, our "confirmation" appointment. And things went really well. We got to hear our lil one's heart beat :) It's pumping along at 160 bpm !! Got 3 cute pix of our lil munchkin. I had so many questions for the doctor, but he summed everything up when we were talking. Everything with the baby looks good, we're due March 11th, which is what i figured the due date up to be. He said he thinks the first miscarriage could be related to the placenta previa that i had. I asked him if we could tell if i had placenta previa this time, and he said no, it was still too early. We should be able to tell next time on August 30th. He said he doesn't think that i will have it again, but there's no real certain way to tell just yet. He said he doesn't think we are going to have to put a cerclage in because he thinks my loss wasn't preterm labor (because it was too early) and it wasn't cervical incompetency (because that is usually something that happens once the baby gets bigger and puts more pressure on the cervix). So he thinks that maybe it was just my body realized something was wrong that they couldn't find at the point we were at (14wks4days). I think it was just God's plan. God knows what he's doing. I still have so much hurt and pain revolving around Rylee. I loved my son. I still do. I guess i just have to thrive on the fact that now, this pregnancy, my son/daughter, has a beautiful gaurdian angel watching over him/her. I know my son is above, watching over us, keeping his hands on us so we can make it through this pregnancy. This baby will always have an older brother. As soon as he/she is old enough, we will introduce him/her to this fact.

I learned later in my teens that my mom had a miscarriage before she had me. she was 13 weeks along. I felt so bad for her. My mom is such a strong person, and to know that she went through the feelings like i am now breaks my heart. I love her, and i wish i could take that time in her life away, but "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." When we lost Rylee, my mom was really upset then too. She's the kind of person, she doesn't deal well with those types of situations. She never knows what to say. I'm like that too. I sort of feel like my mom and i got closer because of this too. We've always been so much alike that we butt heads, and so we've had our tissies, and this just brought us closer.

BUT...I'm so happy :) I'm so ecstatic. I just wish this happiness could have continued with Rylee. I was so happy with him, and i will be with this baby, but i feel like my heart is tainted. I read a blog on this woman's page (not trying to steal her thoughts) but she hit the nail on the head when she said that she felt like women who lost their first baby would never have that great, happy go-lucky pregnancy experience because deep down, even if they get pregnant again with no complications, they will be scared/worried that the same thing could happen. She is so right.

Anyways, enough rambling. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully things will be uneventful between now and March 11, and i'll have beautiful baby pix to post!!




*~* Cute Poem I found that i love *~*


"A Wee Bit Of Heaven"

A wee bit of heaven

Drifted down from above

A handful of happiness

A heartful of love


A mystery of life

So sacred and so sweet

The giver of joy

So deep and complete.


Precious and priceless

So lovable too

The world;s sweetest miracle

My baby, it's you.


- By Helen Steiner Rice

It's Been Awhile

Soooo...it's been a few days since i blogged....but i have been soooo exhausted. I got like, 7 hours of sleep Thursday night, slept after work for about 2 hours Friday evening, went to bed fairly early last night, got up this morning at 6, went back to bed at 630, woke up at 8, went to sleep on the couch at 10, and slept til 1:30 and now i'm soooo tired again! lol. This baby making is exhausting work ! heheh.

I'm getting pretty nervous about Monday. I'm so scared that i'm going to get bad news. A sac but no baby, no heartbeat, an ectopic pregnancy. Or something worse, like i'm not pregnant at all and it's something else, like a tumor or something. I'm just worrying for nothing hopefully, but i can't dismiss these worries totally. I've read so many heartbreaking stories like that. I wasn't worried like this the first time...i hadn't researched problem pregnancies so much then. I was only worried about an ectopic then....now it's a whole slew of issues. I guess it could be because i've already been heartbroken once. *sigh* i'm getting ahead of myself i guess. Maybe it's the sleep exhaustion talking, heheh.

So everyone keep us in your prayers.

And also keep my bestie in your prayers too. She's prego too and she's dealing with really severe morning sicknes....BUT it's all the time. Hope you feel better Ally :)

***Less than 2 days***

God Bless RMVFD

Wow. What a day for a Monday. First i start my day off sick. Boo :( After drinking a bottle of water and eating a banana, and a few preggie pop drops, LOL, i felt a LITTLE better. But i didn't really start feeling better until after lunch.

But, i DID get good news. My BFF's baby is doing great. :) I'm so excited 4 her!! WOOT WOOT!! Can't wait til NEXT monday, so we can get some good news too. Please keeps us in your prayers.

So after a long, HOT, blah day, in a sucky workplace, where the time dddddddrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaggggggggggggssssssss out, it's almost time to leave, and my hubby calls me. There's been a really bad wreck right in town. involving a fire truck and a car. All he could see was a bunch of cops, state, county, and town, and a lot of ambulances gathered around the intersection. They were directing traffic THRU a parking lot to keep traffic moving. I let all my employees that were still there know to go around town instead of thru town. I said a prayer for the people involved. I figured everyone would be okay, injured maybe, but nothing fatal.

Then my hubby calls back 2 or 3 more times, and it's worse than he thought. The fire truck flipped over on top of a car. When hearing this i got chills. I said another prayer "God, please please please let these people involved be okay." My hubby tells me to call if i need him. I tell him i love him and get off the phone. So i got in my car, and i thought OMG. I need to call my aunt to make sure none of my family is hurt. (My uncle is Assistant Chief on a VFD, and my two cousin's who are like brothers are members as well......not the one involved in the wreck tho.)

After making sure they were okay (they were actually fighting the fire that RM was going to as back up), i start home. I went thru town, and saw the wreck. It was so bad. I just feel so awful about it.

I wish time could turn around and there be a ONE minute time lapse so that fire truck wouldn't have wrecked. So that people wouldn't have had to lose their lives doing something so brave. My heart hurts for them. For the wives that were not expecting that. For the children who lost their dads. For the other fire fighters in the county that lost part of their close knit family.

We always realize just a little too late how meaningful one's job is. Do you really realize how important a fire fighters life could be to you at any given moment? Could YOU put out a house fire or brush fire that was threatening your life? Could you safely get someone out of a house that was on fire? Could you deal with having to put out a fire, knowing that there are already deceased in the house that's still on fire? Could you?

Most people say no to those things. These peoples lives that were lost today say yes. They were the brave, the strong, the courageous ones that CAN do that day in and day out. They are the ones who ENJOY being that special person that saves someone or their belongings.

I am so sad for these families. God bless them, and anyone involved, directly or indirectly.

"GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN THAN THIS, THAT A MAN LAY DOWN HIS LIFE FOR HIS FRIENDS" ST. JOHN 15:13

<3

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

Got this off a friends fb. SO true :)

Anxious for some good news in 8 days

Randomness

So i'm sitting here watching my hubby play his new PS3 game he got for his Bday (where he turned the big 3-0 !! ) and i'm thinking about lots of things. First i'm excited for our evening plans. We're going to VV Mall, and check out a few baby stores (i'm in need of some ...preggy pops?? lol), going to get some awesome Chinese Food, then later, before coming home, we're going to Brusters and get some of the best ice cream ever. Baskin Robbins, you have NOTHING on Brusters. Anyways...i've been surfing Blogland, and i realize that there are lots more people than i ever expected who have lost their babies. I just can't seem to get past this. I hurt so bad for myself, for her, for her, for that one, for this one. For all of them. I want to scream WWWWHHHHYYYY and demand i get an answer. I want to argue reasons to get the better hand so i can stop it from happening anymmore. I'm a good arguer (if that's a word...) ....trust me, just ask my husband. He says i'd argue with a brick wall. (only if i had a reason to! :) ) I just want all this sadness to stop.

I understand that God has a plan, that's why instead of pitching a hissy fit like i want to, i just let it ride, so to speak. I Pray that people will overcome these situations. I pray that i will overcome my situation. I pray that this pregnancy will go A-okay. I pray that all the women who are struggling to get pregnant after a loss would, and they would have success.

"An Angel from the book of life wrote down my babys name, and whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth' ".

This is so true. I just want to live my life right so that i can hold my beautiful son Rylee in my arms....for eternity.

Love each and everyone of you that deal with these feelings that i have. I really do.

Sadness

So i'm talking to friends, and friends, and friends of friends....and it seems like all i hear about are women losing their precious babies. I am so saddened by this. I Wish all these people (including myself) could go back in time and change these events....of course if they wanted to. I know how i felt losing Rylee. And no one who hasn't lost one could ever begin to understand, no offense to those who haven't...FEEL BLESSED...but it's such a hurt on one's heart...that sometimes, i'll be honest....you don't feel like you're going to be able to take another breath, much less make it through it. I'm not going to say you will eventually get over it. Because you don't. Those events change you and they linger, no matter how early of a miscarriage, or if you go all the way and have a still birth, or even a loss after he/she is born. It's such an undescribable feeling. It just hurts my heart.


For those of you reading this, who have lost, i want you to know, that NO i can't make you feel any better about it than you can make me feel about my loss....But if anyone needs to talk about it, or wants to be each others shoulders...i'm here. I feel like it helps me deal hearing other peoples stories. I don't enjoy them, no. But sometimes, someone may say just the right thing to make it feel a little bit better at that moment. For those of you reading this, i love you, even if i don't know you, because you are part of God's plan, just like me, even if it doesn't always make sense.


***AND BABY DUST TO ANYONE WHO WANTS IT***

Rylee's Story

For the ones that need to know, or want to know...Here ya go. This is the wwwaaayyy too short journey of my lil angel, Rylee James Bussey. We lost him at 14wks4days on April 10th, 2010.
***ATTENTION:: IT IS DETAILED...IT IS GRAPHIC...AND IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL LIKE ME, YOU WILL PROBABLY CRY!****
Terry and I had been trying to get pregnant diligently for about 1 year, while not trying to prevent it for another 2 years. So finally after many negative pregnancy tests, and monitored periods i started using an ovulation kit. One Friday night i got down to my last ovulation stick, and after getting the unwanted answer I decided it was time to just let it take it's course, if it were ever to happen. Before I left the bathroom i decided to use my last pregnancy test just to rule that out, and as i waited for the results to pop up on that clear blue screen, i got a funny feeling. What if i was pregnant? I waited, thinking about the following two weeks when my husband and I were scheduled to go to fertility doctors for both of us, I dreaded that. I waited and waited...and the screen finally appeared... PREGNANT ....... wait..what?! where's the NOT in front of it that i'm so accustomed to seeing?! omg OMG . I'm pregnant! So there's the exciting start to my heart breaking story.

That was right at the end of January 2010. I had an OB visit and ultrasound at 7 weeks (2 weeks after i found out i was prego) and we got the blessing of seeing our baby's fluttering heartbeat AND got to hear it, along with 2 cute pictures :) . I had another ultrasound around 11 weeks and we got to see our wonderful baby in 4D!! So exciting! He was waving in one, and curled in a side view in another, stretched out in another, and laying flat on his belly in another. His heartbeat was amazing again. So breathtaking and shocking that my husband and i could make such a beautiful creation.

On the day of our 11 weeks ultrasound i started spotting about 2 hours before my appointment. When i went to the Dr, i told them and they were not concerned because the heartbeat was good, the baby was growing perfectly, and everything looked A okay. My doctor said many many women spot and it could be from exercise, intercourse, or other things. So i tried to accept that as much as i could, and went on. I still worried a little, but who wouldn't. I trust my doctors though, they are wonderful, so i settled down a little.

That was on a Thursday, and Saturday morning, i thought i had a miscarriage. I bled a lot, and passed a few large clots. I didn't know what to expect, so i called my husband (he had to work, which was soooo unusual for a Saturday) and he took me to our local ER. After waiting forever while sitting there in the lobby bleeding, they FINALLY took me back, just to wait longer. They started an IV (my first IV ever...) and said they were going to check my hormone levels, do an ultrasound to see if the baby was still there, and do an exam to see if my cervix was open. They did bloodwork, then did the exam. I was so shocked to see how they did the exam. They didn't have me in a bed with stirrups, so they put a bedpan upside down, covered it with a sheet and had me place my butt on it. It was so awkward and uncomfortable, why couldn't they just take me to another room?! But out of that awkward moment, i received good news. My cervix was closed. The Dr. said it would be almost impossible to miscarry and my cervix close back completely that quick, so they did an ultrasound directly afterwards. There was our beautiful baby, flipping and twisting and having a blast. Heartbeat was good, everything looked good, so they waited on my hormone levels, which turned out okay, and sent me home and told me to follow up with my Dr. Monday. Yay :) .

Monday morning I called my doctor and made and appointment for that afternoon. We went in and had another ultrasound (and got pics!!) and talked with the doctor. Our miracle was fine, but i was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa, which is where my placenta grew on the lower part of my uterus and covered my cervix. My doctor was very reassuring with this, saying that besides the bleeding there was really nothing to worry about this early in the game because as my uterus expanded, the previa would migrate up with my uterus. They said this condition was more of a later 2nd trimester, early 3rd trimester thing, and i should be just fine. They did put me on best rest and told me that any time i was bleeding, i would have to be on bed rest. Which was completely fine with me as long as it would keep our baby healthy. :) After about a week of bed rest, i went back to work.

I worked 1 week and that Friday morning i had another doctors appointment (Good Friday). Everything was fine that morning, no bleeding or anything. I had only been sick a little bit, and my doctor had told me to take a few over the counter vitamins to control it, which had been working. So i was really happy. The doctor did tell us no intercourse at this point until the previa moves, which sucked lol, but it would be completely worth the wait to hold our little one in our arms in about 6 months. That Friday evening we were spending time with my husbands family because his aunt, who was more like a grandmother to him, was dying of lung cancer. The doctor had given her less than 2 weeks, and at this point, the backbone of our extra large family couldn't even sit up on her own, wasn't eating or drinking, and we all knew it was a matter of days, not weeks. While sitting there i started bleeding really heavy, but i knew it was just the previa. I handled everything well, and knew to get off my feet, so i did. Saturday morning i called my doctor and he told me if i were still bleeding Monday he would pull me out of work as long as i needed until the bleeding stopped. I had a wonderful group of doctors, i was so appreciative. I wanted to keep my lil sweetie as healthy as i could :)

So i was out of work until Wednesday, and i thought i was going back that day, but i started bleeding again that morning (it had stopped Tuesday afternoon). I called the doctor and took care of work notes by fax. Everything was still okay. Until that afternoon. I started getting cramps. I was puzzled, because that was NOT a symptom of my previa. That night i was up and down, getting only a few hours of sleep. Thursday night they were worse, being every three minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. Sure in the world didn't sound like cramps to me, it sounded like contractions! So i called my doctor Friday morning and got worked in that day.
I visited with the doctor, told them my symptoms, and they sent me to ultrasound. At 2:30PM on Friday 4/9/10 I got a beautiful ultrasound picture of my baby laying on his side of course facing away (every pic as soon as they put the ultrasound on him, he would roll over, lol, guess he was camera shy!!) They said the baby was fine, and i got to hear his heartbeat which was great. They said my cervix was thin, supposed to be 4cm but was 1.4cm. They said i was severely dehydrated (i had been really sick the last 2 days, so that made sense to me). Said cramps could be coming from being so dehydrated because my body was basically eating my muscle. Or it could be preterm labor. They put me on medicine for nausea and medicine to stop preterm labor. They couldn't be sure what it was because they couldn't tell what was causing the cramping, so they were being preventive for both cases. They said to come back Monday and if the cramps were gone it was definately the dehydration and they would put a stitch in my cervix because i could have an incompetent cervix. But they also said they were going to give the on call ER doctor my info, just in case it was labor and my body was rejecting the pregnancy, because at 14w4d if that were the case, there was nothing that could be done. They were really supportive, really helpful, and sincerely concerned. I trusted them, and still do. I love my doctors that i go to, and always will. I went home, got my perscriptions filled, and spent time with my husband since he hadn't been able to go to the doctor with me (work, ugh). We ate dinner, and as soon as i ate, i got sick. I ate some fruit and drank some Gatorade. HYDRATE YOUR BODY i kept saying. The cramps were still getting worse, probably about every 2 minutes lasting 45 seconds, but i was determined to be strong. I knew it was just dehydration. I drank a bottle of water. Ate some oatmeal (i had just learned it was very nutritious for pregnant women), drank more gatorade. And i didn't get sick! Maybe it was working! About 10:30 we went to bed. I tossed and turned, sat up cross legged in the bed holding my pillow. I got up around 12:30am and sat on the couch. I cradled the toilet. And got sick. I'd sit on the toilet and bleed, not heavy, but still. I'd throw up. I'd get on the couch. In the bed. At the toilet. Trying to be quiet and be strong cause i knew my wonderful husband had worked 13 hours that day and was tired. I knew i could get through this. I was going to be okay. The baby was going to be okay. I am a strong, determined woman who can make it through anything knowing that God will get me through it. About 3:30 the cramps were every minute and a half, lasting about a minute. "God please get me through this, Satan leave my house" i kept saying. I was still sitting in front of the toilet, doubled over in pain, and i said to myself "God, please help me, take this pain away and let your will be done. Please." After i stopped being sick i went and got on the couch, in the place my husband always sits, with a cup of mandarin oranges and a bottle of blue gatorade. I am going to get myself well. I took bite after bite between then cramps. Between every other pain i would drink gatorade. I even drank the juice the oranges were in. I was determined. I finished the oranges, and drank a big swallow of gatorade, and i felt the sudden urge that i had to pee REALLY REALLY bad. By this time it's around 4am. I walked as quickly as i could to the bathroom in our bedroom, shut the door, turned the light on, and pulled my pants down, and squatted. Before i even got all the way down on the seat, it happened. I felt a gush all of a sudden and it felt relieving, but it scared me because in my heart i knew what it was. I looked down and saw a gray cord with my baby attached. It was really happening. It was inevitable now. I sat there for a minute shocked, not crying, and thought about what to do. I placed my hand under the baby so he wouldn't dangle there. I called for my husband, and after about 6 times of yelling his name, he answered. I told him to get my phone i need to call the doctor. He got my phone. He brought the wrong one (i had messed my personal phone up, so i was using my work phone while waiting for my replacement). He got my work phone and i called the ER and had them connect me to the on call DR. I waited until he came on the line, and i introduced myself, but he knew who i was. I told him that i had had a miscarriage but the placenta hadn't been delivered yet and i wanted to know if it was safe to cut the umbilical cord myself. He stuttered a few seconds (i think because he was shocked that i was being so calm) and said yes, and told me to cut it sort of close to the baby so that the cord couldn't pull back inside of me. I got my husband (who was sitting on the edge of our bathtub the whole time) to get me a pair of scissors. He did. The doctor told me that if i could bring the baby with me to the hospital and wear a pad to contain the bleeding as much as possible. He said he would meet me at the ER. I said okay, thank you and got off the phone. I gave my husband the phone and, still being amazingly calm, i told him that he probably wanted to go out cause i knew he wasn't going to be able to deal with this (looking back i don't know how i did). He did and while he was in the bedroom, i held our beautiful little boy for a moment, cut the cord, and laid him on the bath towel that i had been cradling when i was sick earlier. He was so beautiful. All his fingers, all his toes. Nothing i could visually see was wrong. I remember as i cut the cord and laid him down, i remember seeing the blood dripping from the cord and thinking, that was supposed to be his blood. To keep him healthy. I placed a new pad in my underwear and told my husband to get a plastic ziplock bag and a walmart bag. I placed the baby in the ziplock bag but couldn't find it in me to zip it. Knowing that he was already in Heaven, i still didn't want to cut off oxygen to him, i just couldn't. I couldnt tie the walmart bag together. I got dressed quickly. Got in the vehicle placing a blanket under me, holding our baby all the way. I called my mom, and my aunt. My husband got us to the ER (which was in the neighboring county where my doctor was located about 35 minutes away) in about 20 minutes. I was in so much pain the whole ride, still having contractions from my body trying to pass the placenta. It was awful. I got to the ER and my husband pushed me in in a wheelchair. They were expecting me, checked me in, and got me to my room in 5 minutes, thanks to the on call doctor. I asked them if i could go to the restroom, and they let me, so i went to the bathroom which was right next to my room. I knew i was about to pass the placenta, but i didn't want to do it in the room with them there. i wanted to be alone. I sat down, and it passed. In this awful situation, that was probably the best feeling i felt, just because after that, the pain stopped. I told the nurses that i would get it cause i knew they wanted to check it, but they kept telling me not to worry they would take care of everything.
After that everything was a blur for me. We got to see the baby again. He was wrapped in a little crochet blanket that was a light yellow. Beautiful :) The doctor came in to talk about it with us, talking about how to cope. We were calm through the whole thing. I told him God had a plan for our son and everything happened for a reason. We talked a little more, and he asked if we wanted to have tests done on the baby and the placenta to see if they could find a reason. I said yes. My husband agreed. My husbands parents seen the baby while i went to another room to be examined (a room with stirrups...) . The doctor said i didn't need a D&C. He said i did good, and everything looked okay considering the situation. He apologized. He was really nice. He asked if we had questions. We didn't. He said they were going to give me fluids and if the bleeding was okay they would probably let me go home. He apologized again. We went back to the other room and my mom and my aunt were there. They got to see the baby. We talked. I got fluids. And we went home. I felt so exhausted. They had given me 2 perscriptions. Pain meds and something to help my uterus get back to size. I went straight home from the hospital. We ate, and we slept. And that was the best sleep i've had in a long time, but i woke up empty. I wanted my baby back inside of me. I wanted the pain if i could have kept my son. I wanted to rewind time.
Around 4:00am on April 10, 2010 we lost our precious baby boy Rylee James. He weighed .085 kg and he was 5.5 inches long. He was perfect to us. We will always remember our blessing, even if we can't physically hold him each and every day. He has and will continue changing our lives daily.
The staff at the ER was wonderful. They gave us another crochet blanket thats white with blue edges. They asked if we wanted the blanket he was wrapped in, but my husband wanted it to stay around the baby. They gave us his footprints and handprints and a beautiful card. The gave us a pinky ring for Rylee.
It is going to take time to get over this, and move on. I will NEVER forget. He will always be in my heart. I pray and tell him good night and i love him every night before bed. I am blessed, even through this heartache.
God has a plan, and i will follow it. He will get us through. And if he sees fit, he will bless us with another child.

<3 <3

Whoa.

Soooo. Where do i want to start with this. I finally made me a Blog. FINALLY. First i want to say to anyone reading this....I am glad you find me interesting enough that you want to read about my thoughts, feelings, and life experiences. BUT. Remember, this is MY blog. And before you get all mad about whatever it is i say on here, i did NOT ask anyone's appoval on my blogs that i choose to post. So. Now that that's out there.

I am COMPLETELY on an emotional rollercoaster as of late. I guess it could be because i'm pregnant (which if you didn't know...GUESS WHAT ! I'M PREGNANT!! :) ). But it's not all just raging hormones. I quite frequently think about our baby Rylee that we lost in April. I don't want this pregnancy to end the way that one did. He was such a life changing experience, our little blessing. He was beautiful. Too perfect for this world we live it. So ..... with the pregnancy I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ecstatic. But most of all....I'm blessed. I want to tell the world...But i don't want anyone to know, that way if something happens, i won't have to talk about it with everyone. I won't have to feel like people are looking at me with pity. I don't want pity. If anything, i want prayers. But i will make it through whatever it is that God has in store for me. I may struggle along the way....but with God, and my wonderful husband, and my family, i KNOW that i can make it through anything.

We are about 7 weeks pregnant (tomorrow makes 7) and I can't wait til we go to the doctor for the first time. We go August 2nd, and that's only 11 days, but it's tick tocking by soooo slowly. I think i made the appointment about...10 days ago. And i just want it to be here so i can get some reassurance. Some positive notes. A pic of my lil kernal. Hear the beautiful sound of that tiny little heart. I'm soo anxious. The doctor's office i go to (Physicians To Women) is the BEST OB/GYN ever. They are all soooo nice and supportive. I can't wait. But enough jabbering about that. I'm off for the night.

I <3 u Pop, Rylee, and Lil Kernal ***11 days***