Whoa.

Sooo it's early. 5:20am. Usually by this time, i'm at work, or on the way to work depending on what time i have to be there. BUT i'm off today (no work, nothing bad, thank God) And of course, when my hubby got up to go to work at 4AM, i couldn't go back to sleep. So i laid here worrying about him until he called to let me know he got to work okay. There's a lot of ice on the roads here this morning, and my mom rode with him. So i was worried about BOTH of them lol. But they made it. yay. BBBUUUTTT i still can't go back to sleep. So i got the laptop, my phone, and the remote, and here i am curled up in the middle of the bed, with Soxx (my spoiled kitty who thinks he's human)surfing the web. AND texting my brother, who is pulling his first night shift tonight/this morning LOL. Talk about multi-tasking at an early hour, huh? Anyways, the point of my post.

I have read a few blogs this morning that really hit home for me, and i think in the next few coming months, are going to be even more real for me. so maybe this is my way of prepping for what's to come. I think about Rylee a lot. We may not have been as far along as a lot of people i know who lost a baby, but it hurts regardless. I think about it pretty often. It's a tight spot too, because if he were still here, a few things would be different. For one, he would actually BE here now, not just inside my belly, but actually in my arms. He would be right around 3 months now. <3 So it hurts to have empty arms when it COULD have been such a happy time. BUT if it wasn't for my loss, i wouldn't have Kaylee on the way. And i'm soo overjoyed with Kaylee. She seems like such a happy, spunky lil personality.

I want Rylee. But I want Kaylee too. I don't know how i'm supposed to feel really.

If i'm happy for being a little over 8 months pregnant with Kaylee, then i feel like i'm just forgetting about Rylee.

But if i think about Rylee and wish things would have been different, i feel like i'm not showing enough appreciation for being blessed with Kaylee.

??? So where do i go from here. When i push it all to the back of my mind and don't think about it for a bit, when i do think about it, it's quite overwhelming.

I really just need to pray about it more. That's the only thing that can really get me through. Prayer and God, as well as words of encouragement from friends/loved ones. But other than here, no one seems to discuss it so openly. It's like people think that if they talk about it, it's pouring salt in an open wound. But i feel better when i talk about it, get it out. And no one in my life that i talk with daily can relate. I know quite a few people who have lost whom i see at least once or twice a week, but they NEVER bring it up. It's as if they don't bring it up, so it's not so real. But you can't push it away all the time. I'm sure it's there, just like with me. Prolonging the thoughts just make them all the more heartwrenching when you do face them.

*sigh* maybe i just need to go back to sleep. or lay back and enjoy Kaylee's rolls, nudges, kicks, and cute lil hiccups. :)

***Continuing to pray for everyone, whether you've lost and are TTC, or expecting your rainbow, or whatever the case***


"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18